Even though I’ve lived in major metropiltan areas my entire life, I must confess that sometimes I’ve felt like I’ve lived in a small town. This week’s author lives in a rural communty where everyone knows one another. As she bares the pain and challenges of having a mother-in-law with Borderline Personality Disorder, she has chosen to remain anonymous.
When Your Mother-in-Law Suffers
In the first 23 years of my marriage, I wondered if all mothers-in-law fit the stereotype that causes so much ridicule. Being married to an only child only heightened behavior that I just could not explain but that hurt my family deeply.
Holidays were a nightmare. Each would have me crying before I was forced to leave to visit the inlaws. I knew what was in store for me, and I was seemingly powerless to stop it. My mother-in-law’s punishment was relentless if she didn’t get her way as to time, place, or length of stay. She would most oftentimes give us the silent treatment during the event punctuated by jabs and cutting remarks. Later, after we were safely away from her home, the crying fits would start over the telephone. No one, it seemed, ever loved her enough. Even our children felt the tension and resented the enormous piles of gifts that represented her love (and her shopping compulsion).
Over time, my husband and I put up a sort of self-protective wall. We stopped visiting except for brief holiday appearances and only called her occasionally. We told ourselves that my mother-in-law would not be allowed to manipulate us; her emotional stability would not be our problem. Sadly, and unbeknown to us, she turned her attention to our oldest daughter, then 12, who eventually put up her own walls resulting in her grandmother’s rejection.
My husband’s family members slowly turned away from us. Friends of his parents treated us coldly as well. Even our daughter’s friends whose mothers were friendly with my mother-in-law quit speaking to our daughter. We heard snippets of the criticism from people in town. We discovered that she complained about us to anyone who would listen.
A verbal attack by a friend of my mother-in-law in public was the final straw. I broke down, went to see a therapist, got on medicine for anxiety, and confronted my father-in-law. At first he was apologetic. Then he defended her, attacking me for treating them as if I were “better than them.” How else could he explain why we did not visit more often and be more attentive?
My therapist taught me boundary lessons, and a chapter in Toxic Parents gave me support, but it was not until I spied a book, Stop Walking On Eggshells, that I understood the nature of my mother-in-law’s problem. She fit 7 out of the 9 criteria for high-functioning Borderline Personality Disorder. As I sank to the floor in the bookstore and nearly cried with relief, I knew. It had a name! We were not crazy! Finally, it all fit.
To protect my husband and her, I wish to remain anonymous, but to help others who are suffering as we have suffered, I must speak out about Borderline Personality Disorder. It is a condition that ruins the mental and physical health of victims and destroys families. And, refusing to admit its existence keeps those with the disorder needlessly, perpetually, sad.
April 25, 2012 at 6:35 pm
I’m sure this post will help a lot of people. I am wondering whether the author’s mother-in-law was willing to explore treatment for her disorder.
July 15, 2012 at 3:13 pm
No, we begged her to seek counseling with us to help us to get along better, but she refused. We were hoping she would then be encouraged to continue treatment alone and find answers for the dark hole that was her depression, or as I came to refer to it as her Great Need.
One aspect of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is for sufferers to believe that the problems they encounter are caused by others. BPD shares this symptom with other personality disorders such as Narcissism. I’m guessing her reasoning stemmed from this, or in other words, “My problems would all be solved if my children would just visit more, call more, stay longer, show me they love me.” She probably felt that she was already doing everything she could to help herself by taking Prozac for depression. This medication was given to her by her general practitioner when the medication first came on the market, and she never followed up with a psychiatrist,even though most doctors recognize the necessity of psychiatric intervention for long term use of antidepressants.
Bear in mind these are all guesses. I do know that neither of my in-laws believe in psychological counseling. They have said as much.
August 14, 2012 at 11:32 am
Oh my goodness this is the greatest(and sadest) thing I have ever read. My husband beleive’s his mother is suffering from this as well. Knowing that there is someone out there that actually understands what we may have been through. Our lives have been turned upside down in the past 6 months and have cut all ties to his mom to save our sanity. His family has slowly faded away from us, the stories we have heard about us are unthinkable. Thank you for sharing your story, it makes me feel stronger knowing someone understands!
August 14, 2012 at 2:05 pm
My mother-in-law has been diagnosed with BPD, but refused both medication and therapy treatment, mainly because she believes there is a negative stigma attached to both. She causes grief for my husband and I everytime she comes to town or we visit her. My husband is an only child so it only makes the situation more difficult. He is alway hesitant to really confront his mother because he knows that his reaction will cause major repercussions for his father.
Most of the time we try to stick to our boundaries with her, but even that is starting to fall apart. We do not yet have children, but hope to some day. I know that will cause major problems with holidays, which are already an issue. She had mentioned that they want to move close to us once we do have children and I have no idea how we are going to deal with that. My husband and I have spoke with a professional when we went through our pre-marital counseling. She mentioned that the only thing we can do is set boundaries with her and stick with them. She is the only real cause of any arguements we have. I hope we can stay strong as a couple and she does not eventually come between us.
September 3, 2012 at 5:01 pm
Your experience sounds hauntingly like ours with one exception: your mother-in-law was diagnosed and offered a way to alleviate symptoms. I am not surprised that she refused treatment because most BPDs do not even acknowledge that they are responsible for their behaviors. This situation is sad, because I believe that BPDs can be helped.
The BPD symptoms we experience with my MIL hit full force after our children were born. We did not know what we were dealing with at the time, so we didn’t know about boundaries and keeping our kids protected from her Great Need. Once she tearfully told our then 12-year-old that everyone who loved her was dead, this after we snuck away to leave her to visit with her grandmother for a time alone. She met us at the car and told us under no uncertain terms NEVER to leave her alone with her grandmother again. She was furious with us. She had already listened to guilt trips about love and visiting from her grandmother when she was much younger. When our daughter started high school and she had set her own boundaries, the talk around town got into full swing. Friends of my daughter started asking her questions like, “Why don’t you ever go visit your grandmother?” and “Do you really not care about your grandmother?” The last straw was when my MIL blasted us to a woman and ex-friend of my daughter, two people who had caused terrible emotional distress due to their respective cruelties, about which my MIL was well aware.
If you maintain your boundaries, your MIL’s next line of need could be your children. Our oldest daughter, mentioned above, has no relationship with her grandparents and probably never will. The younger two interact on their own terms, or rather, when they are up to dealing with their grandparents. Since they were not the targets per se, they did not experience the Great Need as strongly. This is a touching bit of irony; the oldest was the favorite without question.
As far as holidays, our family loathes Christmas after so much pressure for so many years. Thanksgiving ranks a close second. Easter comes a near third. These holidays are forever scarred from years of obligations, pressure, and tears. However, we love the 4th of July, Halloween, Memorial Day, and Labor Day! We take advantage of no obligations for great relaxation without gift giving and pressure to visit. Before your children are even born, take it from someone who has lived it—hold your holidays dear to yourselves! Take them back before it’s too late!
Best wishes and good luck!
September 25, 2012 at 4:37 pm
I have that book as well. I strongly relate to your experience. Sadly we believe my partners grandmother, mother and older sister have it. They are so so troubled it’s destroyed my life currently, as well as my partner.
Setting boundary lines? they are intolerant. I’m so happy that someone shared their experience of a campaign of what I see as emotional black mail. I hope one day to be so lucky. BPD is serious stuff and not talked about enough!
Glad you shared.
October 2, 2012 at 10:47 am
I have a friend who is a therapist, she has stated, that in the therapy profession it is always discussed that a therapist can only handle one BPD patient because they are so difficult to treat. I have an aunt who suffers from BPD her behavior and ways of manipulating family members if beyond description. I often wonder is my mother-in-law has BPD too, because of her cunning, manipulation, and selfish behavior.
October 30, 2012 at 5:25 pm
I have had a long journey of over 13 years with my husband’s mother. When we married, I realized there was a problem but didn’t understand it. I knew that my husband was one of the most tender, loving men I had ever known but I also saw the scars of his upbringing with his mother, who alienated his father. I was raised by wonderful parents who thankfully gave me all the assurance and self esteem I needed to overcome this. I realized that my husband wasn’t given some of the things in life growing up in his situation so I set out to insteal those things in my husband. He couldn’t make decisions, he had a hard time standing up for himself (either he grew irrate or was passive), and his self esteem needed working on. He was very passive and tended to appease his mother. I am a Christian and realized that mental health is the devil’s work. God was the only answer so I turned to His Word and I began doing all that I could to encourage my husband to be the head of the household. He was very reluctant and just assumed that I made all the decisions. I started out small by asking him simple questions, such as, “Would you like hamburgers or hot dogs for dinner?” His answer would be “Whatever you’d like.” I wouldn’t take that for an answer and kept pushing it off on him. I encouraged him to finish his degree, which he did. I encouraged him to take small leadership roles in our church. Everything I could to help him become than man I needed. 8 years ago, our beautiful daughter was born. The trials with my MIL grew greater. Now she wanted us to evolve around her even more. The complaint would be that she just wanted to be a part of her grandaughter’s life and she wanted a relationship. At first, I was fine with my MIL taking care of my daughter. Then my intuition started telling me different. Many situations lead to me questioning what kind of care my child was getting and I started to draw lines with my husband. My husband would not stand against her and I was crushed. My MIL plotted and plotted until finally my husband began giving her her “rights” as she asked for to see her grandaughter on her own once a month for 8-10 days. What choice did I have? I could divorce and then she’d really have control of my child or I could keep praying and hoping that my husband grew? I did the latter and I set into motion to do whatever I had to give my husband what he needed even more so to stand against his mother. It’s been a long journey but an amazing one. I was able to begin limiting that time at age 3. At age 4 my child started telling her own concerns and at age 5 we had to make the decision that time alone had to be limited even more. At age 7, I drew a hard boundary b/c I felt the time was interfering with school so I deferred it to summer. This past May my husband drew some huge boundaries with his mom. She was more manipulative than ever and in the end she stated she was “walking out” of our lives. My husband allowed her to do so and he told me that we weren’t doing anything quickly and had some things to think about. We took several months off from her then slowly began to see her. Every time she threw a fit, we stepped away. Just the other day my husband announced that he had made a final decision that his mother was not capable of taking care of our child. His concern is the things she says to her and the mind games. He should know b/c he experienced them. All this to say, to learn everything you can about the effects on adult children of PD mom’s, learn how your spouse was affected and do what you can to fill the gap.
October 30, 2012 at 5:30 pm
Sorry, that was 8-10 hours in seeing our daughter…not days! It seemed like days to me though!